Please read this un - finished novel and give us some more ideas!!! please!!!?

Summer Days. . .


A story of friendship and endless summer


By: MICD productions








West Side Airport


Manhattan, New York


Terminal 63 Floor 5


June 19


8:19 a.m.


Adriana Davis sat patiently on her Louis Vouttion luggage with a copy of Allure on her lap. Flipping through the gossiping section about Brittany Spears, she sipped her mocha latte from the Star bucks in the food court. It was almost the end of June and she and her best friends, Amber, Tina, and Cali, were headed off to beautiful Black Point, Hawaii for spring break. Adriana could just picture it now. Stepping out of midnight black limo onto a red velvet rug outside of a five star hotel. Young hotel bellhops offering her non-alcoholic beverages. As orange orchids waved in the breeze in tan stucco boxes with ivy plants cascading out them. Walking through the golden spinning door into a beautiful lobby. Lots of other -soon to be-graduates and adults would be there waiting to be check in. Admiring the beautiful stained glass windows and new age paintings on the walls. A bronze chandelier with teardrop shaped bulbs flickers over head. It was perfect.


Adriana was a beautiful girl with wavy summer brown hair with light blonde streaks and been lucky enough to have been born with pool water color eyes. Its actually looks as if you could actually dive into them. Amber is a skinny tanned girl with very dark -almost black- hair and cat shaped, bright green eyes. She loves it when people say she looks like an innocent kitten. Tina is an Asian beauty. She has light skin but glossy black hair and light almond colored eyes. Cali is the most boy crazy one of the girls. Her shoulder length blonde hair and dark brown eyes always are getting compliments.


Adriana checked her icy blue T-Mobile Sidekick for e-mails or IM’s. None. She wondered where her friends were. When she heard some girls yelling “Adriana,” she turned around to see her friends running towards her with over stuffed suitcases. Tina was in the new Emilie Coach Sandals trailing behind the other girls with a Cinnabon bag in her hand. Adriana could smell the warm, freshly baked cinnamon buns from far away. Yum. When everyone was caught up, they all gave each other a group hug.


“Our plane leaves in 10 minutes. What do you wanna do?” Tina asked. Cali bent over and struggled with the zipper on her Prada Messenger Bag and took out a misty green iPod nano and her white iHome. “We could listen to my new iPod if you want. I got two days ago.” “Cool! Lemme see!” Amber took the iPod out of Cali’s manicured hands and flicked it on. The screen went snow white and amber vigorously searched for her favorite song; Makes me Wonder by Maroon 5. Her father used to manage all kinds of unsigned artists and once, before Maroon 5 was a real famous band, she met them.


The thumping beat of the song started playing once docked in the iHome and all four girls sat down and discussed plans for while in Hawaii.


“Well, I heard from some people at school that there’s going to be an Earth Fest,” Tina said excitedly.


“A What?” the other girls asked.


“An Earth Fest. You know, like a free concert.” She explained.


Tina was overly obsessed with any type of music. Especially pop and rock. Her blinding smile was shown and her dancing almond colored eyes flickered with happiness.


“That’s cool! We should go!” Cali said in a very overjoyed voice.


“ Yeah! It would be fun,” Adriana said.


“Who’s going to be there?” Amber asked.


“+44, John Mayer, The Academy Is…, Matt Kearney, Avril Lavigne, and Daughtry.” Tina answered.


“OHMIGOD!! +44 and The Academy is..?! I LOVE them!” Adriana practically yelled.


“I like all of them! Except, I’ve never heard of Matt Kearney.” Amber said.


The next song came on. It was Golden by Fall Out Boy.


“Matt Kearney is kind’ of pop rockish and really cool. We can listen to him on the plane.”


The girls began to sing along to Golden.


And I saw god crying the reflection of my enemies


And all the lovers with no time for me


And all the mothers raise their babies


Just stay away from me….


“Flight 168 to Black Point, Hawaii now boarding,” a mans voice said over the intercom. It echoed down the long spiral hall as people began to get up and throw coffee cups and magazines away to board the plane.


All the girls got up and gathered there things and Cali shut off her iPod. She popped it in her bag and trailed behind the other girls. The Dark colored woman outside of the plane held her hand out for the flight tickets and when she punched them through the silver ticket machine, the group made there way down the long hallway into the plane.






































West Point Airlines


Flight 168


Seats: 13a, 13,b and 13c


11:05 am


Amber, Tina and Cali sat in there tall leather seats as their waitress, Gisele, brought them there Mexican Iced Teas. Adriana, had a seat that was far away from the other girls. Even though she loved her friends, she liked a little quiet. Besides, she had the whole row to herself. She began to watch Step Up on the TV screen near her when she got an IM form xohugsandkisses1354(A.K.A. Cali) She signed on her screen name (MiSSADRiANAx44) and began typing on her T Mobile Sidekick


xohugsandkisses1354: want me to move bak near u?


MiSSADRiANAX44: No. that’s ok. I have to write to Sean anyways. Something that I don’t want other people to know. Srry


xohugsandkisses1354: oh. M’kay. Ttys xoxo


xohugsandkisses1354 has signed off at 11:12 am


Adriana sat deeply in her seat as she began to type her message to Sean; her one true boyfriend. He had brown curly hair and a perfect face. And beautiful blazing blue; true eyes. She could always see the hurt in his eyes when he was sad. He was the all- star lacrosse player and the East Side Eagles were going to the championships! They have been together since the beginning of the year and now that it was May, they were officially lovebirds.


She really wanted him to come on the trip with her but, he had to stay for his mothers birthday trip to Mexico. At-least he would come back tanned. Just then, she received a text message from Amber (A.K.A. LilBballgirl19706)


LilBballgirl19706: Hi


MiSSADRiANAX44: Hey


LilBballgirl19706: I cant b live ur sitting by your self. R u SURRE u don’t want me 2 come back there? Or anyone of us?


MiSSADRiANAX44: yes….I’m fine


LilBballgirl19706: r u surre?


MiSSADRiANAX44: YEA!! IM SURE! Sry 4 yelling but, u guys keep asking me and I’m just fine


LilBballgirl19706: kk. srry


MiSSADRiANAX44: I forgive you J


LilBballgirl19706: hehe. R u missing sean?


MiSSADRiANAX44: Hell yEA


LilBballgirl19706: haha! Wonder how Cancun is going 4 him


MiSSADRiANAX44: me too. I’m gonna call him and ask/


LilBballgirl19706: k. ttyl xoxoxox


MiSSADRiANAX44: J


MiSSADRiANAX44 has signed off at 11:16


Adriana snapped her sidekick shut and stuffed it in her Burberry purse and began to dug through the disaster of a purse she had to find her cell phone. She flipped down the small, light gray table hanging off the back of the seat in front of her and place the purse there. She had just gotten it three days before and already, the $495 purse had been reduce to a teenager wasteland. She dug through her iPod, two mini crossword puzzles, 4 lip gloss tubes, two eyeliner crayons, three tubes of mascara, 3 tubes of lipstick, her sidekick, two packages of Orbit Gum (Tropical Citrus and Bubblemint), three old photos of her dog Selena, her silver Sony Cyber shot DSCW55 7.2MP Digital Camera, chewed up pencils, her Dooney and Bourke bubble wristlet credit card wallet (with 5 Platinum credit cards and $687.58 in cash) makeup remover, tissues and her car keys (which she didn’t need this week). She finally pulled out her phone from that bottomless pit of a bag and flicked it open. The bright blue light blinded her for a moment then she pressed ‘4’ (Sean was speed dial4 because of 4 letters in his name). And the phone began to ring.


Ring.


Ring.


Ring.


“Hey. You’ve Reached Sean-o. Leave me a message. I’ll get back to you later.” It was the answering machine. So, Adriana left a message.


“Hey Sean. Its Adriana and I just wanted to see how Mexico is. So, text me later or call back. Alright, I love you. Bye.” and she snapped the phone shut.


She woke up to the sound of her T Mobile Sidekick ringing. She had fallen asleep. When she saw the time of the 3” by 2” screen, she’d realized she’d only fallen asleep for five minutes. Man, the pillows were comfy. It wasn’t a phone call. It was a text Message. From Sean. Adriana got excited and signed on quickly. She realized he had sent it to her two minutes ago. He’d signed off already. But, she read the message anyways. Sean(A.K.A. Lacrosseboi13998)


Lacrosseboi13998: Hey Girl. Listen I just don’t think we should see each other anymore. Christina Lillian…she….she stole my heart. I’m sorry. I know you’d never wanna b friends now but, I hope we can be. I cant, just CANT, go out with you anymore. Ok. G2g. Mom wants go go get seaglass on the beahc. Bye.


Lacrosseboi13998 has signed off at 11:21 am





A little mascar tear fell off her eye and right onto the keyboard of the Sidekick. She closed it and it away in her Burberry bag and more tears started to come. But, she held them down. Crying on planes wasn’t right. At that moment, Adriana didn’t even want the plane to land in Hawaii- she wanted to go home and forget about the whole stupid vacation.Black Point Airport


Black Point, Hawaii


5:44 pm








As the plane touched the cement on the Hawaiian airport, Adriana wans’t very excited. The fact ther her boy friend had just dumped her….put out her flame for her entire trip. Ashley Lillian? She thought as she grabbed her Prada duffel and her Burberry purse. Wow. What a total looser. Once she had all of her things she began, slowly, to make her way out of the plane. The image of Ashley Lillian, popped into her head. The Red curly hair the powerful blue eyes, her skinny freckled legs and arms and neon pink braces gave her a frightful image. She immediately stopped thinking about it.


When she stepped into the marble floors of the Black Point Airport, she was in heaven. Even though her boyfriend had just dumped her, she had forgotten about it for a minute. She looked around.

Please read this un - finished novel and give us some more ideas!!! please!!!?
thats a great story why did it have to end tell me when pt2 of it is her plzz this is a great novel forget aout the other people i love teen books like this wht is it gannna be called email me and tell me and they must dont read alot i read a 200 pg books every week imma book fanatic keep writing u have my rep
Reply:Sorry Kinda Lost Interest At The Part About Graduates And Other Young Adults Waiting In The Lobby.....GEEZ
Reply:You refer to too much name brands. It makes it harder and harder for a person to relate. Its okay to be descriptive with something. Infact thats what makes some great writing great. But the more that you include particulars about ice blue sidekicks and specific magazines, it alienates your readers. I consiter myself pretty tech savy but I dont understand all the specifics you talk about.





Be descriptive in other ways... talk about the sounds of hte airport and what not so people can imagine it and relate it to themselfs.





Anyways hope i helped,


best of luck








Also make the plot more clear so there is a point to the story towards the beginning that will make the reader interested in reading that whole thing.
Reply:First off, darling, you can't post something from your heart here on this forum and ask that no rude comments be made.....is begging for them.





Second....enough with the brand names....no one cares, we want meat to the story, not technology. and the screen names are confusing, if you plan to use them a great deal, make them simpler, so we take them in, not just jump over them.





And third, screw what people think. This is your work. Every one likes different things. Keep it yours and at the end, at least you will be proud to stand back and say that it is yours.





Good luck.
Reply:this "unfinished novel" is just another stupid teen fiction book they all have the same lam ideas and plot lines... please step out of the box for 1 second of your life and atleast try to be creative
Reply:Sorry, but you totally lost me with all the dialouge and no establishment of who the characters are and why I should be interested in their lives.
Reply:I found it a little difficult to read, it just didnt flow for me. I had to constantly stop and reread sections. But it's a great effort and you shouldnt let a few negative comments stop you. Keep going with it
Reply:Umm.. well.. okay, to tell you the truth, I read the first few sentences, skimmed the entire middle, and read the last few sentences. And I don't have any new ideas for you, so in truth, I am not helping you at all. But I do have some criticism:





No offense to you.. but.. this did not interest me at all. It's just another annoying rich teen girl story - these are already abundant enough and I really don't know too many people that like them. As another person already said, the overuse of name brands is a turn-off. One bit that I found particularly annoying was.. "“OHMIGOD!! +44 and The Academy is..?! I LOVE them!” Adriana practically yelled." ... First, please, please, PLEASE, never use OHMIGOD ever again. Please. Second, I think alot of people would be annoyed that the character you created "loves" +44 and The Academy Is..., because Adriana seems so..preppy.. and mentioning those bands just sort of screams poser. Also, please fix your grammar/punctuation and spelling...








On the positive side, your plot (though at this point it seems nonexistant, but I'm sure that that's because this is the very beginning of the story and the plot is just not evident yet).. anyways, your story is in the lines of what seems to be popular with teen girls today, who I'm assuming are your audience. You use alot of details (like in describing the girl at the end with the red hair), which is good.











Overall, ... okay, please don't kill me, lol... 3/10. But this is just my opinion, and if you are writing this for yourself, don't get discouraged by what anyone, including me, says.
Reply:Take it to fictionpress.com or a forum for such a purpose. This really isn't the purpose of this site.





Some comments: this doesn't seem like my sort of story, but I'll give you my thoughts anyway (you dont have to agree with them). It seems a little boring, little interesting happens. You should get to the 'hook' of the story early on. Also, the text/IM convos could be reported rather than repeated verbatim, eg, "Amber sent her a text asking her if she still missed Sean".





Still, it looks promising, and I admire anyone who actually tires to write a novel. It's a challenge, but a worthy one, even if it never gets published. All creative work is to be treasured.
Reply:I'm not an expert, but I know interesting characters usually aren't perfect. Those are the ones we like to watch.





Adriana inherited her fathers thick ankles. Other than that, she was almost gorgeous. Her wavy brown hair was usually pulled back behind her pointy ears. Her eyes hid flecks of azure and greys. Her perfect smile, though helped her stand out among her friends.





Maybe something like that...





You have many strengths.


Don't give up-Use criticism to find your weaknesses.
Reply:I got lost after about 3 paragraphs. Your characters are stiff and wooden and totally dull. You need to work on a really good outline and then some good character analysis. Your characters need to be fleshed out and you need to start developing some subplots or back stories. If I had to keep reading this, it would drive me insane. Character analysis doesnt mean knowing what kind of luggage she has or what kind of cellphone she has. That is juvenile "Clique" style writing.


An editor would red pen about 90% of this in the first 5 minutes. I would. Pax - C